Your marriage has ended now what?
So many thoughts, emotions and memories flood your mind and body at the same time.
At times you don’t know if you’re in the middle of a bad dream or if this is really happening.
The ending of a marriage is debilitating and paralyzing.
When you decided to get married you thought about a future with that person, getting old, traveling together, raising kids together.
This is not what you pictured.
Now this is your reality.
While other families are planning vacations or traveling, or doing things as a family unit, you are trying to figure out what to do next with your life.
Which feels like you’re hanging on by a thread.
Uncertainty, fear and overwhelming thoughts surround you.
How are you ever going to get through this?
I’ve been where you are.
There are 5 major lessons I learned on my road to moving on and letting go and I’m going to share them with you now.
It wasn’t always easy to see and it was very difficult to navigate but knowing what i know now, my hope is that you take this information and use it as a roadmap to help you when you’re struggling.
Lesson 1: After the grieving process and sitting with your raw emotions there’s going to come a time where you have to make a decision to begin your new life. No matter how hard it is and how incomprehensible it may seem. The first step is to get clear on the type of woman you want to become. You are NOT and let me repeat NOT the same woman as when you got married. Creating a vision and connecting with the new version of you will help you when it comes to the other lessons which we’ll get to in a bit.
Getting clear on how you feel and what you want out of life now.
Yes the ending of a marriage is devastating but it can also be a really big blessing in that you get to create life on your terms and when you’re ready, will lead you to be with someone who truly adores you and vice versa.
Clarity is a crucial first step because if you don’t know what you want and the type of woman you want to be moving forward, you’re going to repeat old patterns that don’t serve you and you’re going to feel stuck and confused when trying to make decisions and build a new life.
Two questions to think about when working with this step is:
I did this 3 months after my ex life and the clarity it brought me was life-changing. It paved the way for me to connect with the new ME and the life I wanted.
Lesson 2: After you get clear on what you want, becoming aware of your thought patterns and the quality of your thoughts will help you to identify the kind of story you’re telling yourself. When you notice the words you’re using you’re able to see clearly where your blocks are and if you’re connecting to the new version of you and thinking in accordance to how she would think and if she is aligned with what she said she wants. Too many times what we say we want is not aligned with what we are actually doing. And it starts by bringing Awareness to your thoughts.
When working with this step, write down any time you find yourself saying or thinking words like “never, can’t, won’t, don’t.” When you use those words in a sentence take note of what you’re saying, see if it connects with the new version you’d like to be and then change the words and sentence to something more aligned with what your vision is. Also notice how you feel when you think certain thoughts and write those thoughts down. That will also indicate any patterns you’re repeating such as revisiting and getting stuck in memories, not being able to stay present in your life and how much time you spend on the past.
When I noticed my thoughts, I saw how dark they were and why I was struggling the way I was.
Lesson 3: After knowing what you want, noticing your thoughts, and how it makes you feel, that brings us to feeling and processing your feelings. Making the Connection with your feelings and feeling and processing throughout your body. By default, you have learned to suppress emotions. You go through the motions but don’t allow yourself to fully feel and process what’s happening. And that’s because it’s scary and frightening to feel the worst things you can imagine. Suppressing emotions only makes them come back with a stronger force. You can’t escape them. When working with this step, the next time you feel a negative emotion, set a timer for 90 seconds, put one hand over your heart and breathe into what you're feeling and connect with your heartbeat. By doing this simple exercise you are riding the eave of that emotion and acknowledging it and processing it. The more you get into a habit of doing that when you feel bad, the more you will be able to navigate your feelings in a healthy way. This process ties into lessons 1 and 2 because without knowing what you want, you won't be able to connect with the feelings you want to feel and you won't be able to do that unless you are aware of your thoughts.
Feeling the hurt, betrayal, and pain of how my marriage ultimately ended was at times too much to bear but once I got in the habit of connecting with the negative feelings coming up I was able to feel relief and get excited about my new future.
Lesson 4: When you’re faced with chaos, turmoil, and stress your decision-making abilities are compromised. You are conflicted when it comes to making a decision and far too many times rely on others to guide you. The truth is, others can offer suggestions and advice but only you know what’s best for you. No one else is living your life. Yes, others will think they know what's best for you but only you know. The more you connect with your own ability to confidently make decisions and take the steps to move towards what you want, the less you’ll rely on others and actually create the life you want. Not the life someone else thinks you should have.
When working with this step it's important that you are familiar with lessons 1, 2 and 3. When you know what you want and who you want to be, you know what thoughts hold you back and which thoughts empower you, and you connect with understanding your feelings and feeling more of what you want, you will naturally feel confident and courageous in your decision making which will lead you to take Action. Action is what gets you the results you want in combination with Clarity, Awareness, and Connection to your feelings. When you take action, it doesn't matter if you succeed or not because you're one step closer to moving towards the life you want. If something doesn’t turn out the way you want it, then you go back to lesson 1, get clear on what you want by asking yourself, what do I want instead. Action is important because without it you won't see the results you want. Action gets you out of your head and into life.
I was afraid to make decisions and relied heavily on what others thought. When I started to implement lessons 1, 2 and 3 I gained a new sense of confidence and courage and for the first time in my life, I felt unstoppable. Solutions to problems started presenting themselves to me and I started taking leaps into the unknown and felt excited at the same time. The action steps I took from that place created the foundation of the life I have now.
Lesson 5: Without Action, you won't be able to create the Momentum toward the things that you want. It’s easy to get sucked into old thought patterns and behavior, longing for a life that is no longer yours. But in the same way, you can create a momentum of self-sabotaging behavior and get sucked into memories that keep dragging you down, you can also create momentum in the other direction as well. When you implement lessons 1, 2, 3, and 4 you will create enough momentum to get you looking for more things going well in your life. It will become a new direction for your thoughts to follow and obey. Instead of looking backward and getting stuck, you’ll be able to look backward and embrace the memories ( because the truth is they won't go away, but the power it has over you will be less). Now you can embrace them, send love to them, and confidently look ahead to the new life and future you are creating. You will find yourself starting to look forward more and more.
I’ve made it a habit in my life to continue to look for what’s working well. Every day I find a win, a small one is all that is needed for me. My gel pen brings me joy when I’m writing in my journal. When I feel down, I look for my small wins and when I feel good I look for my wins.
These 5 lessons have helped me tremendously in moving on and letting go of the past. I no longer fall to my knees crying when I am triggered by a memory. I no longer yearn for the life I had.
Anytime I feel like I’m having trouble making a decision or struggling with a self-sabotaging thought, I go back to Clarity and Awareness and take the steps to help me work through it.
Moving and letting go of the past is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. It starts with an intention. An intention to move on and let go. The Drive to want to cultivate a new life because the old one is coming back. When you begin with that, you are on the road to creating the life that you want.
It’s possible. Even if it doesn't seem that way now. Know that it is.
If you have made the intention to move on and let go and still find yourself struggling then I invite you into my membership program where we go deeper with the 5 lessons you just learned. You’ll have this roadmap to help guide you and you’ll see things clearly and gain a possibility-driven mindset to help you get what you want even faster.
If you’re looking for a community to help support you while you navigate this new chapter you can join my private group HERE. It’s unlike any other group for divorced and separated women.
There you have it my friend.
I hope this helps you on your journey. You have the ability to create a beautiful life after divorce and these 5 lessons will help you get there even faster. I know because It has helped me create the life I have now.
Ps: Come hang out with me on Instagram, where you’ll get a peek into my life and all the craziness :)
Pps: I send an email every Tuesday to my community sharing tips, inspiration, and stories I don't share anywhere else. If you want in, you can sign up HERE.